Letting Time Go Lightly

The time is closing in for my dance with the Crystal Tower to commence....Tuesday morning is the big day so I am trying to keep myself focused and enjoy the time on this side of the rainbow that I have left before the anticipated trial begins.
Last night after dinner, Paul and I had a beautiful fire in the pit we have on our deck and simply enjoyed the gorgeous evening gazing into the fire, drinking our wine and listening to an impromptu serenade the creekside frogs gave us. In the midst of this simple but beautiful moment, I realized that this is precisely the reason I am willing myself to go through with this chemotherapy thing......I want many more of these nights!

So friends, I raise my glass and make a toast to letting time go lightly so the magic of life can shine through! Cheers : )

" Do not pursue the past.
Do not lose yourself in the future.
The past no longer is.
The future has not yet come."
-Lama Surya Das

Ten Points For The Home Team

According to my test results, ten points for the home team...Visitor, nothing!
I went back to Moffitt today and for a change received some very good news!
The CT scans are all perfectly clean and my blood lab work was good.

It appears at this time I am cancer free,  based on all visual test readings - also have good heart function and the x-rays show all healthy bone around my reconstructed left leg.

The chemotherapy regimen will begin on Tuesday (March 1st) to go after any micro metastasis that may be trying to take up residence in another location. My port was surgically placed at the end of the afternoon. I definitely am sore from the procedure and feel like someone punched me hard in the right side of my chest. Thank god for gel packs and pain pills...we have become good friends through these past weeks of recovery.

The photo was taken before my procedure, and I think the reason that I am smiling is because I was finally lying down and comfortable. It was a long day starting with a 6:45am departure from home and culminating with the 4pm surgery. Paul and I were very tired but happy when we picked up our boys from doggie day care and made it home at 7:30pm to chill!

Today, for me, was one of appreciation for the simple pleasure of being able to make this journey and recognizing that I have been given a great gift, a chance to live and fight. I will continue to make the good fight and to try and use every precious moment that I am given in this human existence.

Testing....Testing.....One-Two-Three

Today, I drove back to Moffitt, so that they could perform some tests in anticipation of my Chemotherapy. I am still adjusting to the fact it is going to occur, and soon! My fiddle...dee...dee avoidance tactic is soon to meet its expiration date! Yikes!!!!!

A CT scan was performed to see if any micro metastasis has occurred in my lungs since the last one done two months ago. Of course, I will not know until next Tuesday, the 22nd, when Paul and I go back to have a battery of blood tests, meet again with Dr. Conley (the chemotherapist) and get a port installed to administer the "goods.". They ran a nuclear test on my heart called a MUGA to have a baseline on my heart function before chemotherapy begins. This will be a reoccurring test during the course of my treatment. Tin Man listen up, according to the technician I do have a heart : )

What can I say but, "Today, was just another fun filled day.... In the merry old land of Oz!"

A Valentine's Day Walk

Valentine's Day 2011, will always be remembered by Paul and I because we had our first walk around the neighborhood with the dogs since January 4th, the evening before my surgery.

Yesterday morning, at the end of my PT session, I asked Stephanie when I could start doing some walking for exercise. She thought about it for a moment and told me based on my progress that I could try a quarter of a mile and see how it goes.

Naturally, I jumped on it and off we went yesterday evening before sunset to see our resident baby eagles, who will soon fly.

It was like a parade because our neighbors Marcus, Louise, their little ones, Bella and Kai, as well as Lori and Mike came along! It was so awesome.

Today! Paul & I met with the Chemotherapy doctor in charge of my case. His name is Dr. Anthony Conley and he comes from MD Anderson in Houston. We liked him very much, good thing, as the picture of what is to come with the chemo treatments is not a pretty one.

I will be getting more CT scans a heart test, blood work and then they will schedule putting a port in through which they will administer the toxic cocktail.
It looks like the first week in March will be the big kick off. Three days in Moffit home for three weeks for four rounds. It is possible I may have to repeat that three more times but that will not be decided until they see how well I hold up. It is a very aggressive chemo for this rare and aggressive cancer I am battling, so it also may have a bit of radiation thrown into the mix. Only time will tell.

For now, I am enjoying my improved strength and renewed joy of life that has come with it. The Scarlett O'Hara philosophy is what I am living right now about all of the rest to come....
"Oh fiddle dee dee, I will think about that tomorrow."

The Reality is Setting In

This past Wednesday, my dear friend Coral, met me at a wig store, to help me select my cancer disguise.  It seems ridiculous to be so tied to my vanity about my hair, when the real issue here, is about life and death. I wish that I could be one of the proud chemo patients who wear their baldness like a proud veteran of a war courageously fought but I cannot. My hair ties me deeply to who I am as a woman, and I shamelessly love it.

I did well getting through the selection and purchase but when I got to my car alone to drive away, I cried in dreadful anticipation of my great sacrifice to come.

On a day (not too far from now) I will let Coral cut all of my hair off, and I will be naked and weeping, with my treasured sacrifice at the feet of my enemy. My vow is this...... It is then that I shall rise up with all of my might, and battle mercilessly, my wicked avenger to her death.

In celebration I will finally be able to click the heels of my well worn ruby slippers, 1-2-3 and make my victory march away from this foreign and frightening land, back to the familiar path of my life, that I do love so much.

Friends please make a note...Bring lots of confetti!  No RSVP will be necessary.

Lessons In Spiritual Intellegence

This journey that I am on, has certainly caused me to search for my greater purpose, and to try to comprehend the essence of spiritual intelligence.

I read this quote and it helped me to embrace the lesson I am learning and to trust the process.

Nothing worth doing is completed
In one lifetime,
Therefore we must be saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful makes
Complete sense
Therefore we must be saved by faith.
Nothing we do, no matter how virtuous,
Can be accomplished alone.
Therefore we must be saved by love. -Reinhold Niebuhr-

My life has been humbled, and will be saved by the limitless love that all of my friends and family have infused it with.


Love, Peace and Joy to us all!

Better Living Through Perseverance

On Tuesday, I went to my 4th PT appointment and totally impressed my physical therapist, Stephanie, just by walking through the door with no cane and hardly any limp. I did new exercises and achieved new high levels of improvement on the exercises that I have been working on.

My knee bending ROM increased from 90 degrees on last Thursday, to 105 degrees on Tuesday. I have been persevering and pushing myself on my own at home, to return to normal leg function (ASAP) and I am so encouraged with my daily progress!

When I was working with Stephanie, one of the other PT clients was leaving and told his therapist that he would see him again on Thursday. David (the PT) responded by saying that he would be there. The exiting client replies, "Of course you will, you get paid to be here."

After the gentleman departed, I looked at Stephanie and said, "I feel like I get paid to be here, because the fantastic results are my paycheck." At least that is how I see it! : )

A Few of My Favorite Things!

This weekend was a lot of fun. We went to see Circus Sarasota on Saturday night and Sarasota Ballet on Sunday evening. I loved both of the performances. Circus Sarasota is always great....Paul and I never miss it, and of course Sarasota Ballet is my heart beat, as I have so many cherished memories of dancing with the company.

The really exciting part was that I went to both performances only using a cane and only needed it for minimal balance and primarily crowd protection. It is very liberating to be able to travel ever so much lighter now and to sit comfortably in a regular seat without needing to have my leg propped up in some unattractive fashion.

Care free nights out with Paul moving about with little effort.....definitely some of my favorite things these recent days.

I am building a great foundation of strength, fortified with the good times I am currently having to sustain and feed me through the next few months when the chemo begins. Oh, by the way, I am planning to keep the good times rolling despite the inevitable low times my dance with the crystal tower are certain to bring. I am looking to each sunrise as another day to live to love and to learn as much as I can from this crazy life in this unpredictable, wacky, wonderful world!

Day 30

Today it has been 30 days since my surgery and I just finished working out on my Pilates reformer that I have upstairs in our home. For my Pilates friends, you know what the intermediate system is, and that is basically what I did minus kneeling exercises. Even did the Teaser....yahoo!

I was awake for a few hours in the middle of the night, last night, and started thinking about my reformer and what I could do on it. I figured out with lighter springs and some gear changes that I could probably do quite a lot and I did. In celebration, I just took two Advil, and am communing with my ice pack....LIFE IS GOOD! : )

Last Night I Had a Vivid Dream.....

Last night I dreamt that the phone rang and in my dream, I walked through our living room and up the two steps into the kitchen to answer it. It was a sensory dream, because I really could feel myself walk as though none of my current issues existed.

During my ballet career, I used to have these types of sensory dreams, when working on particularly challenging choreography. Oddly, I still experience these dreams of rehearsing and I have the organic experience in these dreams that I am back seventeen years in time, physically executing complicated ballet steps.

Today, I went to my third PT appointment and after doing thirty minutes of different exercises to challenge my leg strength and ROM (range of motion) I practiced walking without my crutch.
The more that I focused on my movement the more natural it became.

When I arrived home after doing an errand I went to Paul to "show off" a bit. With determined focus on my stride, I walked around the house(no crutch) with hardly a trace of my post surgery, stiff legged limp!
Paul, was absolutely blown away and amazed by my "performance".

It is now a few hours later, and I am sore, leg elevated with an ice pack, but so encouraged that I lived my dream of walking normally.....well let's just say, close enough. It will take lots of work and unquestionably plenty of back slides, but now I not only think I can....I KNOW I CAN : )

Back to life

Today, I feel back in my life, and it is certainly great. This past weekend Paul and I went out with friends, entertained and went grocery shopping together. Life on a normal basis that is so easy to take for granted until you suddenly get pulled out of the game.

This morning, I drove myself to my PT session and then surprised everybody at Pilates with my appearance. It was wonderful to be there with Sherry, Michelle and all of my client/friends, who I have missed so much. It is the first time since New Year's Eve (the last time I was there) that cancer and recovery did not seem like 'The Main Event.'

Friends and daily life go on like a river's current and today I cast my little boat and enjoyed the ride.